The day opened up with what some might describe as a foreboding swirl of greys. The temperature had dropped to the low 60s, and intermittent thunderstorms threatened a wet weekend. By most accounts, the outlook may have been ominous. I, for one, happen to greatly enjoy the melancholy of dark skies and rainy weekends. And on that particular day, it was what I enjoyed that was supposed to count most, right? Well, mine and my betrothed, in any case. Luckily, his spirits were not easily dampened.
The preceding week had been a culmination of building excitement and nerves. Friends and family far and wide traveled to help us prepare to cross the threshold into matrimony, something I will forever show gratitude for. Honestly, without the help of our grooms girls, and other family and friends, I’m not sure if I would have been able to keep a level head.
We, of course, had no choice but to plan some aspects of the wedding, but for the most part we kind of winged it. I was determined to take things as they came and do my best to not get too worried or worked up throughout the week. I’ll admit, the day before the wedding, during our set-up and rehearsal and whatnot, my nerves bubbled dangerously close to the surface. Again, without the help of my two best ladies, I probably would have dissolved into a complete mess.
To give myself credit, I will say that I feel I did a remarkable job of maintaining a calm demeanor throughout the week, all things considered. My mind was a swirling whirlwind of different positive emotions. I was grateful to have my best friend by my side all week. I was excited at the prospect of calling Jon my husband. I was, of course, feeling rushes of love and gratitude directed towards Jon. I was feeling incredibly lucky without feeling undeserving. I was happy.
I have to admit that I was nervous about creating such an open display of my relationship, especially considering that we are two men in love. Despite my claims of not giving a damn, it turns out that I do still care about what people think. I am not one for PDA in general, so this felt like going from 0 to 60 in a millisecond.
However, when the day arrived, I found myself truly unconcerned with what people might think or say. As I’m reflecting on the experience, I find this to be surprising. I was able to set aside that particular worry and really focus on what was important to me. I’m pretty sure that my ability to do so aided in my enjoyment of the experience. I was unabashed and open with my relationship, with my feelings towards Jon, and instead of making me cringe or anxiously seek approval, I felt this rush of pride and certainty. It was honestly a feeling unlike anything I have experienced.
It felt powerful and pure.
From where I stood, the ceremony was beautiful and perfect. The reception was carefree and, obviously, celebratory. I didn’t have anything to worry about. Nothing crazy dramatic happened. I was able to connect with family and friends who had traveled to partake. All-in-all, I think we both closed out our wedding day with zero regrets.
It’s been one week since we were pronounced married. I’ve thought a lot about the question of whether or not I feel differently being married. The surface answer: no. Not really. We’re still living together and carrying on as normal. On the outside, things don’t really feel much different. We’re still happy and in love.
But beneath the surface, inside my heart, or soul, or mind, or whatever you want to call it, I do feel different. Unsurprisingly, I feel that our bond is stronger. I feel confident and safe. The cord that tethers us has been reinforced and fortified. Perhaps this is newlywed naivete, or otherwise obvious, but it’s a wave of feeling that I’m content to keep riding.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a cynical person. That I’m a child born of malcontent, divorce, and general mistrust. That the melancholic swirls of grey typically seep from the sky and fill me up. But here and now, after facing marriage with a bigger positive force than I thought possible for myself, cynicism has no place. I married Jon because I believe in us more than I’ve believed in anything. Because I know, deep down, that he’s my person and we’re meant to traverse this life together. The pressures of commitment, if any, are nothing compared to this truth I feel between us.
So, yes, I do feel a bit differently as a married person.
I feel strong.